DON'T FLUSH THE TOILETS!
by Half-HeartedShadow
Summary: Pranks by all your favorite Fullmetal Alchemist characters!
1. DON'T FLUSH THE TOILETS!

_**I am a slave to my muse... the sad thing is... I enjoy this kind of slavery!**_

_**Don't ask why I thought of this or how... the simple answer is that I'm slightly insane. That's proven if you bother reading my other fics!**_

_**Oh well! Sit back, relax, and enjoy Edo's little prank! One-shot unless my muse or readers make me write another chapter.**_

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Another boring day in the life of a certain Edward Elric. No missions. No more tracking down the fabled Philosopher's Stone. Yep. NOO! This boredom was _killing_ him!

As he walked back to report to the Colonel with Al, an idea popped into his diabolical little head. PRANK EVERYONE IN CENTRAL! But how...? Oh! That'll do!

"Al," Ed said in a dead serious tone, "let's prank the city!" The slight gleam of trickery went into his eyes.

"Brother... we can't. It's illegal." A slight sweat drop formed on Al's now completely human face.

"Oh yeah? Let's look it up first then."

"You honestly believe we should?"

"HELL NO! Let's go already!" Ed shouted, running as fast as he could to the Mustang's office in the headquarters.

"ED! You don't even have a plan!" Al shouted, running after him.

"Oh yes I dooo-ooo!" He almost sang.

When they entered Mustang's office, he was just sitting there... watching Riza behind her back. _Slam!_went the door. Both Elrics came in. Al was officially with Ed's idea now.

"Well, well. You're late, Fullmetal." Roy said in his usual snarky tone.

"Wee-eell, you know how I hate to cut in on your time watching Lieutenant Hawkeye while she's not looking, I found out about a _terrorist plan!_"

Everyone in the room, except for Ed and Al, went rigid. "Well. What is it?"

"They planted bombs. Lots of them!"

"WHERE?"

"In the toilets of Central City, Mustang sir." Al said. And if _Al_ said it, then it _couldn't possibly_ be one of Ed's pranks.

Everyone jumped up frantically. Havoc went to the phone and called the Fuhrer. "Yes sir... yeah... in the toilets... I don't see how that... oh... alright. _Click._

"The Fuhrer has just made up a new emergency code. Code OH MY GOSH!"

"..."

"..."

"... really? That's what he called it?"

"Yep."

"...wow..."

_Our evil plan is completely working! _Ed thought.

_We are so dead when everyone finds out we lied! _Al thought.

The intercom went off. "Hello, this is your Fuhrer speaking-"

"Show off..." Roy commented. Riza promptly hit his arm for speaking treasonous.

"- We have a Code OH MY GOSH! in effect until we manage to de-bomb all the toilets in Central. So until then, please for the love of heaven... DON'T FLUSH YOUR TOILETS! That's all."

Out of earshot, Ed and Al had a quick chit-chat. "Great job, Brother. Now we're really in deep!"

"Aw, crap." Ed started snickering.

"It's not funny!"

"If it ain't funny, it ain't worth crap!"

"Really?" Al asked sourly. "You're cracking toilet jokes at a time like this?"

"Yep!"

* * *

A few hours later, the newly formed Central Bomb Squad had several suspicious-looking bombs. Ed and Al quickly transmuted those to keep from looking completely discredible. Ed _did_, however, create one real bomb without Al knowing it. He placed it in Mustang's toilet in his house.

When they 'de-activated' the bombs, the bombs opened up and said: BANG!

"Some terrorist attack, Fullmetal."

"Oh, well, you'll see fireworks later. I promise!" Ed mock-saluted.

"So, you drove everyone into a hysteria just to alleviate some boredom?" Havoc asked.

"Pretty much."

"..."

"Before you hit me... think about what I said to the Colonel."

"You put a fake one in _his_ toilet?"

"Better! This one actually goes off!"

* * *

In Roy's bathroom.

"And flush." He flushed his toilet. **_BOOOOOM!_**A mini explosion blew up his toilet and bathroom, and knocked him into the kitchen. "_**FULLMETAL!"**_

_**

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**_

_**Isn't my muse great?**_

Yep. This'll stay a one-shot unless I get any requests. I'll do pranks for any character as long as I know: The target, who's doing the pranking, and how much chaos you want!


	2. Ed's Sticky Situation

_**Well, thanks to my wonderful reviewers, you get a continuous story! Just remember, your ideas fuel the story. If I stop getting ideas for a while, I'll probably mark this as complete. Just letting you all know!**_

_**Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy Al's little prank on Ed!**_

* * *

Ed and Al had been finding stray cats all over Central. And every time they'd seen one, Al, being the cute little compassionate kid that he is, would ask Ed if he could keep it. And, as always, Ed would rain on poor Al's little parade, saying that they couldn't and to just let it go. Well, finally, when they'd found an especially cute kitty, Al would take no for an answer no more.

"Brother." Al whined. "Come on, you can't honestly say no to this face." He pointed to the little kitty. It gave a pleading "meow" that had Al melting.(1) "Can we, Brother, can we?"

"Al, for the thousandth time now, NO means NO!"

"You... you... JERK!" Al picked up the cat and pushed past Ed.

"Al! Aw, come on! Get back here! Great..." he sighed. "Might as well go on as usual. I'll catch up to him later... but we are in Central... wonderful." He ran after Al.

However, when he caught up to Al, he saw that Al had the lights of their dorm off. _That's weird._ "Hey, Al... sorry about earlier... but you know we travel too much to take care of a pet. Al... Al...? _What's going on here?_

When Ed walked a little closer, a trap triggered. Al used alchemy to bind Ed up. "H-hey! Al! What're you doing?"

"Payback."

"For what! Not letting you have that cat? That's hardly fair!"

"Say it."

"Say what?"

"Say... sorry."

"Why?"

"Then let me have a cat as a pet!"

"We can't! You know that!"

"Then I have no choice..." Al pulled a rope and at least twenty cats came out to sniff Ed. Some rubbed up against him, while others decided to test out the new scratching post.

"Ow! Darn it! Get off!"

Al came holding a little glass of milk. The smell of the liquid offended Ed's nose.

"You either let me keep a cat... or I force you to face your worst nightmare... MILK!"

"You wouldn't..."

"I would..." Al smiled evilly.

"You can't..."

"I ca-an!" Al sang. "Which is it, Brother?"

Ed couldn't move. The cats all looked at him like he was crazy for not wanting to drink the milk. They seemed to meow: "Drink it. Drink it. Drink it. You know you want to drink it." Except for one, which seemed to meow: "Wow, you're all crazy. What am I doing here?" It was the one that Al picked up just a while ago.

"Well, Brother...?"

Ed swallowed. "Fine. You can have a cat. But JUST ONE!"

"Yay!" Al went over and picked up a cute little brown and grey tabby with blue eyes. Its tail was black with white rings. Al also, in his rush, forgot to undo Ed's bindings. So, Ed was left bound in his own dorm room for several hours while Al found homes for all the little cats. Ed was finally freed when Al came back. Then, they had a serious chat about what to do to make sure the kitty would be okay.

"Meow." went the newly dubbed Tobby. He rubbed up against Ed and Al. Ed smiled a bit. This wasn't a total bummer.

Unfortunately for Ed, all they had for drinks, now that Al had gone through all that trouble to keep Ed from not allowing him to have a cat, was milk. Ed had to either drink it or deal with his thirst until he could go to the store again.

He drank it complaining the whole time. And Al got both a pet and the enjoyment of seeing his older brother drink milk! Oh yeah! An all-win victory!

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Ha! Thanks to The-Curse-of-Forever, peppaminty, and .lolcatsrule. for the idea! Feel free to request anything and as soon as I can think up a good scenario, I'll put up the chapter! Oh! And The-Curse-of-Forever, my muse says thank you and bows.

_**Oh, and Al better keep my Tobby safe! I only let him 'borrow' my cat darn it! And Ed better not mess with my cat!**_

**_1) Just emotionally, 'cause it's hard to melt a human when you're a cat._**

**_Tobby says Review for my friend/owner!_**


	3. We Wish You a Random Christmas

_**Yo! Sorry for taking like seven months to write this! I was stuck in a little thing called "life in school"… BUT! I hope you enjoy this holiday season of randomness!**_

* * *

Day after day, things just seemed too boring. Ed had found himself just wishing something could go wrong to pass the time at the office. But no, all he could do was watch the clock's hands move and listen to the annoying ticking noise it made… ticking life away.

As for Al, yes, he had been playing with Tobby, but recently the cat had gotten into one of the dorms' chemical closets and had drunk something weird. So, Tobby was with the vet, leaving Al to delve into boredom.

So, Al decided to go with Ed to work one day. Unfortunately, that did nothing to rid them of their boredom. So, with a devilish smirk, Al suggested to his elder brother: "Wanna pull another big prank?"

Ed's eyes lit up in interest. "Together?"

"Yep."

"On who then?"

"The military…?" Al tilted his head.

"_Again?_" Ed whined. "I already did that. Remember, the toilet gag?"

"Maybe we should think a bit smaller this time then."

"Like what? Wait! SMALL? ARE YOU CALLING YOUR OWN BROTHER SMALLER THAN THE SMALLEST PARTICLE IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE?" Ed ranted with flying fists. "How dare you Al?"

"No, Brother, I didn't call you that in any way." Al said flatly, dodging Ed's fists o' fury. Then: "Well, today's a military recruitment day, right?"

"Yeah, so what?" Ed droned, bored.

"Why not mess with them? You've got the certification… and together we can mess with the whole military through the recruits. We couldn't possibly fail." Al's excitement shone through the evil boredom and brightened Ed's thoughts.

"We can work with that! You're right! It's foolproof! Heeheehee!"

"Then let's think of something already."

The two brothers took time out to brainstorm new prank ideas. They were thinking of new ways to, not necessarily _torture_ the new recruits, but to make interesting things happen while using them as their pawns.

* * *

Walking into the training area, where the new recruits would be, the two Elric brothers walked up to the soldier in charge of training the recruits.

"Hey, King Bradley sent us to relieve you." Al said, hiding a smirk.

"About time. These guys are all yours. Good luck, they're horrible soldiers." With that, the commander ran off to some unknown area.

The Elrics then started teaching the recruits a few "additions" to the rules.

Rule One: Never Let Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye have a gun in her possession, as she is likely to shoot you.

Rule Two: Do not let Colonel Roy Mustang have ignition gloves, as they are likely to start a massive bonfire with the slightest snap.

Rule Three: Hourly musicals, as Fuhrer King Bradley enjoys his rookies to sing to him, especially when Colonel Mustang is asleep. Make them as loud as possible.

Rule Four: Do not tell anyone who taught you the first three rules, or you are _fired_!

"Simple enough?" Ed asked the recruits, who were looking a bit overloaded with the sudden information. One of them was picking his nose and scratching his hiney at the same time.

"Yeah, but boss? These rules sound kinda like they were made up on the spot just to irritate your bosses."

"Now now, why would I _possibly_ do that?" Ed purred. The recruits went off to do as Ed had told them to do, as Al had found a spare gun and pointed it at them.

First stop was Mustang's office, as Hawkeye would be there as well. The recruits casually walked into the office, started kicking things over for cover, and quickly stole the guns and the gloves. What they didn't see coming would be that Hawkeye still had a gun on her, which she promptly used to shoot at them. They fled as if Satan himself were hard on their heels.

Ed and Al had been listening in on the entire affair, laughing their lungs out. Ed was rolling on the floor laughing and Al was giggling so much he fell on his brother. However, the laughter ended as soon as Hawkeye and Mustang heard this laughter and traced it back to the source.

"What is going on here?" Roy demanded.

"_Nuuthin'._" Ed replied cheekily.

"Then why are you two laughing?"

"Because…"

"Because why?"

"It's funny to watch you two being outdone by newbies." Ed giggled.

Hawkeye pointed a gun at Ed's head. "You sent them to do that, didn't you."

"Nope. But the guy that did must be handsome and intelligent." Ed grinned.

Hawkeye's hand went to the trigger, scaring Al into saying "yes, alright we did it! Please don't shoot Brother!"

"That's really all I wanted to know." Mustang smirked as Hawkeye pulled the gun back.

"I'd like to know just _why _in the world you two would pull a stunt like that."

"Boredom. And anyways," Ed grinned. "didn't we bring you the best gift of all? A child's laughter." Both Elrics burst into spontaneous laughter at this point, as the recruits were returning, one of which was now dressed up like a chicken. Another was dressed like a penguin.

Mustang and Hawkeye looked over at the scene… and couldn't help but chuckle. "Well, that was unexpected."

"Can I have my gloves back?"

"Nope, fire hazard." The penguin guy placed the gloves in his mouth, chewed, then swallowed them. "Ewww… nasty."

At this, Ed and Al were in hysterics in laughter. Hawkeye even managed a giddy smile, covering it up with her gun.

Mustang looked devastated. "Why on Earth would you _eat_ my _gloves_?"

"Penguins gotta eat too, ya know."

Mustang looked ready to murder the recruit, when the clock chimed the hour. The recruits instantly got together and started Christmas caroling, leaving a very confused Colonel in their wake.

They sang around the HQ, annoying some and gaining the love of many more. They got help from some of the senior staff via musical cry for assistance in order to get to the Fuhrer's office.

It was something like this:

"We wish you a merry Christmas, and we real-ly need help.

We need the Fuhrer's office, we need the Fuhrer's office, we need the Fuhrer's office, or we will likely get fired.

Somebody please help us, O somebody please help us, O somebody please help us, or we'll likely get fired.

Glad tidings to you, all HQing friends, please help us find his office… and have a happy New Year."

By that time, however, they were caroling with a large crowd who helped them find the office. They performed in front of the Fuhrer and his men, along with even the Elrics and Mustang's crew, earning two thumbs up from the Fuhrer. The penguin stole the show by punching the chicken out of the front row.

They were told Christmas Caroling in the office was fine, but keep it once a day and only during the Christmas season.

_**

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Hope everyone has a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! As a gift you can review and give me some more ideas on what the next chapter should have in it. Thanks!~~~**_


	4. Wrenches on Roy!

_**Just a note: this is going to sound really rape-y really quickly, so just bear with me! I promise no characters will get raped in this! Enjoy!**_

_**Note: to ensure the safety of this fic, I would like to say that while requests are nice on a day filled with Writer's Block, that I would like it if you would continue just commenting on the fic's quality. Otherwise, due to how interactive this fic has been getting, it might be taken down by the admins. (We wouldn't want that, now would we?)**_

* * *

"You lost the bet, Kid, now you have to pay up." Roy smirked at Ed.

"No, no, no, no, NO! I'm not doing it!"

"Then pay up."

"No way! That's crazy!"

"Do it or else!"

"Brother! Just do it!" The little Alphonse cried out, tied to a pole. For some reason the boy was dressed in a frilly pink dress taht sparkled almost as much as an Armstrong.

"Fine, then I'm sure I can come up with something. Just get Al out of that dress."

"Good. Get to it."

_Sorry Winry, but you're next on the prank list. I _can't _let Mustang trap me in a room full of EdXArmstrong love fiction!_

* * *

It had been a great day for Winry. The work today was managable and the people were nice to hang around. And surprisingly, the sheep hadn't stolen anything for a whole three hours. Then, Ed had stopped by for a visit, making things even better for her.

_I'll give her the rest of the day, then tonight... I pull the pranks._

Night-time came, and Winry said goodnight to everyone. A few minutes of silence later, he sprang, ready to start his 'bed-time of horror.' Pinako walked by, "It's not going to work. Whatever you're trying to pull, Edward."

"What does she know?" He grabbed a few of Winry's tools, Pinako's pipe, much to the old lady's displeasure, and a random assortment of utensils from the kitchen. Then, he changed them into what he'd need for tonight.

Slowly, after placing a mask with smoke coming off it on his head and getting his hook and metallic, blood-red cloak on, he opened Winry's door and silently approached her.

He moved the hook across her neck, waking her up screaming. Then, she found something under her pillow and smashed it over Ed's head, making him fall backwards onto the floor. "OW!" He clutched his head, forgetting the hooked hand and accidentally cut his ear. "OW!"

"Ed?" She pulled the mask off to reveal the teenager. "Why did you?" A thought came to her... "You're a rapist?"

"What? No! NonononononoNO!"

Pinako walked by again, "told you it wouldn't work."

"Hahaha!" He harshly laughed.

"Why did you try to rape me?"

"I didn't! I was just trying to scare you! I swear!"

"Okay... why?"

"So I wouldn't be locked in a room full of EdXArmstrong slash. Good enough."

Winry shuddered, then hugged him, "you poor thing! Of course I forgive you!"

"Hey Win?"

"Yeah?"

"Can we talk about revenge for a bit?"

"What kind?"

"The wrenchy sort."

"Sounds good to me."

The next day, Roy was having an annoying time filled with paperwork. Then something smashed through his window behind him and smacked the back of his head. It was... a _wrench?_ With a sign on it? It read: "You're next."

"Oh crap!" After torching his paperwork, Roy fled his office as a ton of wrenches were flung into his office by Ed and Winry, who were laughing and enjoying the show.

* * *

**_Sorry if this chapter offended anyone, hope to continue this fic soon! (When some Writer's Block wears off)_**

**_Vote on my poll for which fic you want me to focus on, or if you want, I can start an entirely new fic. Your choice, just choose!_**


	5. Fourth of July!

_**And here I begin the holiday pranks! Happy 4th of July!**_

* * *

"We _need_ our Fourth of July celebration!" Bradley demanded.

"Er... Fuhrer sir... we kinda... ran out of money in the budget eheheheh..." A treasurer said nervously, a sweatdrop appearing on his face.

"What the hell did we _spend_ all that on? Who was drunk and or responsible for this!" Bradley smacked the treasurer with a rubber glove, looking for answers.

"Er... according to the records... the Elric brothers mostly." He rubbed his slightly red cheek lightly.

"Part of Mustang's team... then sick Havoc and Hughes on all three of them!" He smirked, "something's bound to give me my fireworks between the five of them."

"Y-yes Sir!" The treasurer was smacked with the rubber glove again, "Ow! What'd I do?"

"You didn't bow, kiss my feet, and call me 'Fuhrer Awesomesauce' like I told you to." A few more smacks were made until the treasurer obeyed, bowing low, kissing his Fuhrer's feet, and saying "I love you Fuhrer Awesomesauce." He fled shortly after to find his men.

"Havoc, Hughes... the Fuhrer has a mission of _epic_ proportions for you two!" Both looked at the man like he was crazy. "You two need to either humiliate or get money for tonight's firework show from both the Elric brothers and Colonel Mustang."

"Okaaay... what'd they do this year?"

"Ran out the _entire_ budget for the fireworks show tonight!"

Twin gasps of horror were heard at the sound of this news.

"But I was gonna take Elysia to that!"

"How _dare_ they? I was going to take my soon-to-be-wife!" Hughes grabbed a rubber glove and smacked Havoc a few good times with it.

"We _all_ know you're _never_ getting married. It's a fact of life! Accept it!"

"But! But what about all the little Havoc babies the world wouldn't get to see?" Both the treasurer and Hughes took their rubber gloves and smacked Havoc silly with them. "Owww..."

"We _must_ avenge the fireworks!"

The two went off and grabbed their supplies... mostly fireworks saved up over the years. And a box firework that no one seemed to know how to light... safely.(1)

* * *

It had been a boring day, just hanging around the HQ... with Roy... and Al. Ed went to the window for some fresh air. When he opened that window, he saw Hughes, Havoc, and some giant firework pointed directly at his window. "Hey Mustang... get a load of this!"

Roy came, looked out the window, and paled noticeably as the firework was launched directly at him. He ducked just in time as the firework smashed into the wall and exploded in bright blue lights that read: "It's a boy!"

Ed and Al looked at each other strangely and starting laughing. Ed asked the two maniacs outside, "you guys sure you sent up the right firework?"

"Why's that?"

"It said, 'It's a boy!'"

"Just give us a second, okay! That one was mine!" Hughes called as he loaded another giant firework, lit it, and shot it up. This time when it exploded in brilliant greens it read, "FOR THE LOST FIREWORK SHOW!"

"Alright. You got it! And what do you mean by 'lost firework show'?"

"Thanks to your pranks we have no budget for a show!"

Everyone looked at Roy. "No, no, no,! A thousand times NO!"

"You _are_ the _Flame_ Alchemist. Just make pretty fires! And maybe we can get Kimbley out of jail to join in!"

"They're FIREWORKS for the Fourth of July Roy! I think they're a _little_ more important tahn a homicidal maniac being released from prison!"

"Your priorities are seriously screwed up. Fine. Meet us there tonight. Yes Ed, you and Al are working for me tonight at the show." Twin groans came from the two brothers.

"Yay! Fireworks!" The two men danced with delight, accidentally lighting the last firework, sending it into an oblivious Armstrong's potty hole. He screamed his manly scream (passed down through the Armstrong family line for generations!) as it exploded, reading: "It's a girl!" Everyone bolted as Armstrong destroyed everything left of Roy's office.

* * *

"Welcome one and all to the Flame, Crimson, and Fullmetal Fireworks Show!" The crowd cheered. "This day is the anniversary of when the Amestrians defied the British and slew a dragon!" Fuhrer Awesomesauce announced, looking at his cue cards.

A soldier quickly switched his cards around and he said, "scratch that. Those are just countries from the other side of the Gate. Not our concern! We're really just here to celebrate FIREWORKS!" The crowd cheered as the fireworks alchemically went off. It was beautiful with all the pretty shapes and colors... until Kimbley shot several at the HQ, burning it to the ground in a pretty animation of him laughing and running away. No one seemed to care... and they "ooed" and "awed" in joy... until the fifth of July when they would realize the HQ was charred horribly and that an escaped psychopath was out there free.

"Nothing left to do but light this thing on fire Roy." Havoc shrugged, placed the odd firework shaped like a box in front of the last standing wall of the HQ.

"Let it burn!" He snapped and they ran, avoiding the fiery ink that shot all over the place, coloring the last wall in purple ink and burning it to the ground.

"Didn't do it!" They all split and ran away.

"Can't wait until next year's!" Bradley smirked as the treasurer seemed to die inside a little.

"Yes Fuhrer Awesomesauce."

SMACK! "I'm not Fuhrer Awesomesauce anymore... I have chosen a more sturdy and commanding name... I am now Fuhrer Betty."(2)

* * *

_**1) Had one of those... so we lit it on fire and RAN LIKE HELL! It was disappointing... actuallly... didn't do much.**_

_**2) Reference to Kung Pow: Enter the Fist's Master Pain AKA Betty.**_


End file.
